I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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