If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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