I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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