if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
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My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
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You are a booty call, not a friend.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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