but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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