I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
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You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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