I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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