So drunk its hurt
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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