he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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