I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dignity is for republicans.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
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Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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