I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
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I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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