You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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