My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize