end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
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I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
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Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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