I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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