you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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