So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
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the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
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he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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