frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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