I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize