Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My vagina is officially offended.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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