I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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