sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize