A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
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His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
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We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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