if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have peed in a lot of sinks
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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