Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
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Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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