you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
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she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
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I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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