Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
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i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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