So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize