Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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