Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize