Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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