What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
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We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
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Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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