I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize