I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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