god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
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People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
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Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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