just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
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Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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