I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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