There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
oh god the rape fog is back!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
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Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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