Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
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I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
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All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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