Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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