it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
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there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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