Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
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You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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