Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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