my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
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I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
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I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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