all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
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she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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