You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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