I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
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It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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