So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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