You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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