i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
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I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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